The missing chapter of my life

An older friend told me once, “life is like a book, you will not be able to finish it if there’s a missing chapter, you can’t move on in life if there are unsettled matters in your past.”

I never did quite understand it until the time came when I started feeling that my life is becoming a vicious cycle, and not a straight line.

Twenty six years old, a degree from a prestigious university, a year to go until a master’s degree, two daughters, a good job, a loving family, faithful friends…I should feel complete by now…but I’m not.

I woke up the other night wiping my teary eyes.

That was the worse dream I have ever had.

A man was standing over me laughing and telling me that I will live in the shadow of my father until God knows when.

I couldn’t move.

I was trying hard to push him away, but I can’t.

The pressure of his hands on my shoulder’s were too strong for me to move. I shouted and opened my eyes.

With blurred visions I looked around and saw the familiar closet, a crib with a beautiful baby inside and another beautiful child curled beside me. I’m safe finally. But why was I still crying?

I’ve been crying for days for reasons I can’t seem to figure out.

I felt really weird.

For days I’ve been having this strong urge of moving away, living on my own and proving to the world that I can make it through alone.

I thought it was responsibility, but reality slapped me straight to my face, it was pride.

“You’re the most proud person I’ve ever met!” Over and over again the voice of my friend rang in my head. This is what he has been telling me for days now.

“You have to accept the fact that in your current situation you can’t afford to be alone and risk you children’s life. What’s going through your head right now is purely pride! Something that you ought to let go soon or you’ll find yourself truly alone and miserable!”

For years, I have been feeling this need to prove something to myself, my children and the world. That I am the best and I can stand alone, strong and firm for my children. Bullshit to all of those who say that no man is an island, I am at my best when I’m alone…or so I thought.

The man in my dream was putting so much pressure on me. I feel nauseated.

What’s happening to me? The dream was so real. It reminded me of the man I talked to when I was thirteen.

I finally found the missing chapter in my life.

How it all began...

I was thirteen, happily clinging to my dad’s arms, when a man came to me, a friend of my dad. I didn’t know him but he came to me and greeted me “you’re so lucky you have a dad like him, you’ll be like him when you grow up!”

I was so proud of me being the daughter of a very intelligent and responsible man after he said that.

Growing up like my dad would be the best thing that would happen to me until reality struck me, growing up and following his footstep would mean me living in his shadows. An interpretation which I never knew where I draw from. But it brought fear to me.

I don’t want to be addressed as ‘the daughter of _______.’ I want to be reffered to as ‘______ the one who did the ____ and the ____ and the blah, blah, blah!’

From that night on I conditioned my mind that I will make a name for myself, not one out of my father’s. I will be as good at him, but in my own terms.

I grew older, so did my pride, so did my desire to be different...It brought me nowhere.

That was the day I allowed my pride to overcome me and think of no one else but myself. Run my life not of love and compassion but of pride and selfishness.

I wasn’t strong…I was weak!

I kept running away!

I became good at it!

So good that I can’t find my way to my goals!

I couldn’t stop crying so I closed my eyes once more, not to sleep but to pray…for forgiveness, not from the Lord but more from myself.

I have to find a way to forgive myself for not reciprocating the love that the people around me have shown me…of thinking only of myself…of being so proud…of forgetting.

…forgetting why I’m here and being loved.

…forgetting to thank God for my family, for a shadow that I should be proud to follow for it comes only to very few fortunate people.

…forgetting that I, like a normal person commits mistake.

The missing chapter of my life happened years ago. It came back in a dream. I have to settle it in reality.

That is how the cycle should end.

That is how a book ends…with a resolution.

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