Random Me: STFAP

Ito napapala ko sa kakafill-up ng STFAP

Me: Panu yan, wala naman akong properties, katawan ko lang property ko
Rnl: Sigurado ka ba na property mo pa yan?
Me: oo, akin na akin ito
Rnl: sa dami ng ginastos ng daddy mo sa pagpapagamot sayo property mo pa ba yan?

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Me: dad, sa liabilities ba isasama ko yung mga dues ko like net, electricity etc.?
Dad: Liabilities utang na kailangan mo bayaran, tulad sa banko. Electricity expenses mo yun
Me: oo nga. Kelangan ko na mag-aral ulit pumupurol na ko. Pano yan, dami ko utang sayo? Sama ko ba? joke!
Dad: lecturan kita basic accounting mamya

Nothing is wasted

I have always thought that I wasted a lot of my years of living on nothing. This was until after yesterday’s homily in church.

The priest talked about how Paul, one of Jesus Christ’s apostles, thought he too wasted a lot of his time. Honestly, I’ve already forgotten most of what the priest said. But one statement kept ringing in my head until today—nothing is wasted.

Really? Then why am I full of regrets?

I am so used to doing numerous things, often all at the same time, that each time I’m idle I feel like I’m wasting time. So, my usual tendency is to overload myself with work, keep myself busy, just to make sure that I make good use of my time. But what is a good use of time anyway?

I looked back at all those years that I thought I wasted my time: the years I took a break from the university, being bed ridden for months, and other idle moments I just spent watching movies over my computer. I regret so much of all these times that I spent doing nothing. Then it hit me, is it really possible to do nothing?

I almost didn’t sleep last night of thinking about how we do nothing. I realized it’s only possible when we’re dead. I mean, if we think we’re doing nothing, we are actually still doing something, and that is thinking—thinking that we are not doing anything.  When we’re in front of the TV and not working or studying, we’re actually still doing something, and that is watching TV. When we just lie down the whole day and not doing anything, we are still doing something, and that is lying down. See, it’s impossible to do nothing!

But of course, the ‘nothing’ that I am talking about is 'not doing something worthwhile' or 'not being able to achieve something'.  Nevertheless, however big the picture we make about ‘doing nothing’ it is still not possible not to do anything.

So, I tried looking back at all those years that I thought I wasted my time doing nothing and I realized I was looking at those events from the wrong angle. Then I asked myself: what was I doing during those times that I thought I wasn’t doing anything?

Like a family photo album, my mind opened up and as a flipped through each page I clearly saw how I spent those years that I thought I wasted.

The first year I stopped attending the university I had to prepare to give birth to a beautiful child. In the second year, I got separated from my husband and I had to care for myself and make sure my daughter would not have this huge emotional disturbance. I got pregnant at an early age and and had a really bad marriage, a lot of people said I wasted my time and am about to waste the remainder of my time. But really, is bringing life to this earth and making that life remains stable enough to grow into something beautiful a waste time? I don’t think so anymore. I may have not been able to graduate from college on time but I sure was able to bring a beautiful person in this earth, a very intelligent and very caring person. I could now say I made good use of my time.

Then there were those years that I was bedridden, once in 2010 and another in 2012. Both those incidents were brought about by too much stress. Like what I’ve said, I am so used to doing so many things that being sick is where I landed. Not being able to work and support my kids and having to be fed and taken care of by my parents made me really depressed. I sulked on the idea that I am a burden to them. I hated the feeling of not being able to work and earn money. I hate not being able to do anything; it was a total waste of time—or not.

I realized that all those times that I was just on my bed lying down, I was actually doing the most important thing that I should be doing: that is building a strong relationship with my whole family and with God. Being there on my bed left me with only one thing to do—reflect. That time when I was sick was the time that I was able to actually draw out the kind of life I want and how I can get this without having to stress myself so much. Again, now I could say I made a good use of my time. 

Well, as for all those times watching movies over my computer, I don't consider it a waste of time anymore, because movies are my stress relievers; and if I don't want to get sick, I have to stay away from stress. Also, the movies I watch gives me ideas on what I would write about or talk about with my students. This is not a mere justification of my hobby, this is a reality, those movies do help. So, yes, I could say I made good use of my time.

Did I waste time? I don't think so. None of the things that I do and didn’t do went or will ever go to waste because I just realized that had it not been for all these things I wouldn’t be what or who I am now. The things that we do or did not do during the times we thought we wasted are still factors that would affect how we will turn out to be as a person.

‘Nothing’ is wasted because we can never ‘not do’ anything and nothing is wasted because whatever it is we do will serve a purpose.

There is no point regretting.

It’s my fault they won

I was not able to vote yesterday.  I had my reasons and it is far from what other non-voters claim—that they couldn’t find anyone worthy of their vote. But it is selfish nevertheless.

I actually have a list, which now bugs my conscience. Had I turned my back on the pressing thing I had to do yesterday, had I gone out to vote, I may have made a difference somehow.

Sorry, I don’t agree with what other people say—that my vote is just one vote and will not make a difference.  If we all think this way, then we are talking of a hell lot of votes being put to waste just because each one who would have practiced it thought it didn’t matter. My vote counts; and my not being able to vote yesterday had just eliminated my right to question the results of the election.

People in FB have been ranting over why Nancy Binay made it to the top 12. I cannot say anything, I couldn’t comment. Who am I to say that the people who voted for Nancy Binay are crazy? They are no crazier than I am who just threw away a chance to make a difference. 

Yet, I’d like to have a chance to pick the brain of those who actually voted for Binay and the others (by others I would mean those that are being bashed over the net). They may have seen something in these candidates that I didn’t see. I have a blind spot sometimes. But in the same way that I have my reason why I chose my candidates, these people who voted for Binay and the others have their reasons as well. I do hope they did not just rely on name recall otherwise it would be an even sadder Philippines in the next six or more years.

I had a list. It was a dream team, or at least I believe it is a dream team. The people in my list aren’t that famous, some are fresh blood; others have been in the government for quite some time, but with very few negative records. I do not claim my candidates to be perfect, I just think they are the lesser evil. Pardon me for my term, but I have always had this impression that once people take a seat in public office, there is very high probability for them to become corrupt. They become blinded by their interests that they forget to care about their country. No one escapes the dirty system, I know deep inside of me that even the people in my list will eventually be eaten up by the system, but like what I have said, they are the lesser evil, they still somehow have some good left in them.

Unfortunately, my list is left now to just sit in my drawer. I was so consumed by my work that I forgot to care about my country. Now what does that make of me?  I am no different than those who are in public office working to serve their own interests. Now, I have no one else to blame for the partial results that I’ve seen so far but myself.

Well that’s life; too late for any ranting now. It’s not healthy to dwell on a faulty decision, because the result is already there staring us in the face. The best thing to do is accept it, work around it, and not lose hope.

It’s my fault that these people will take oath and lead our country. Next time, I will make sure I’m not to blame myself anymore. This is one mistake I will try hard not to do again!