I answered the phone late that Wednesday night and a shaky voice from the other end of the reciever let out an unrecognizable hello. So I said a louder hello with the hope that the caller would speak louder.
With now a louder hello from the other end, I recognized who was calling, it was my college friend, so I said o bakit?
She started talking fast and furious. Between her angry words she let out sighs and one or two ay naku talaga nakakainis, before starting with another complain.
Over and over again she kept saying how she hated being told what to do, especially when it comes to raising her child. Bakit ba tingin nila sa akin ang tanga tanga ko at hindi ko alam ang ginagawa ko?!
She was telling me about a recent argument she had with her mom about her three year old daughter. But I couldn’t get clearly everything that she was saying, I was simply so tired and sleepy. Then she said, Ba’t ba ayaw nila ko pabayaan diskartehan ang buhay ko? Then there was sobbing from her end.
She was probably waiting for me to say something…anything. But I couldn’t speak. With her last words I felt like I could almost hear my old self talking to me, the one I’ve set aside sometime ago.
As a mother at 18, I also went through that dilemma. The misery of enduring the endless nagging of adults around you. All of them telling you what to do with your life and how to raise your children.
But I was a proud girl. I have always been the kind of person who would try to do things alone. I was not a team player, both in school and in life. I wouldn’t say that it was what brought me astray, but it somehow contributed. In my endeavor to be independent of my family, I found myself walking the wrong path.
When you’re a young mother, choices become screwed up. You would want to do things all at the same time. In my case, I wanted to continue my education so as to earn a degree and later get a high rated job. Yet, I also wanted to get a job at that instant, so that I will not have to ask for financial assistance from my parents. At the same time, I wanted to be always beside my child because I’m starting to feel guilty of not being there most of the time, but then again, I have to go to school. I also want to move out of our house and live on my own…endless wants with the aim of showing the world that I am good and I can do this without any help from others even if I’m young. My obsession to prove other people wrong about what they think of me got the best of me.
I started neglecting a lot of things and people, even my daughter. I couldn’t focus and so I couldn’t achieve anything. I had no back-up plans. I would cry of anger when things go wrong and blame every person whom I feel had anything to do with my mistake, except myself.
It had to take my daughter’s childhood pains, brought by my own proud and childish decisions, to make me realize that I needed help. I love my family too much that I wanted to do the best for them. But I realized later that I am not giving them the best because I don’t know anything…I don’t know how and where to take off.
My mom was right, I was a fledgeling, and I needed someone to teach me to fly, someone who knows how to, of course.
I have heard myself countless times saying the same words that I am hearing now from my friend, only to realize later on that I was given the time of my life, to be free, to fly, but I crash landed -- I got pregnant at 18.
After seeing what my child had gone through in those five years that I was so busy trying to be a better person for the wrong reasons, I gave my life plan some thoughts. What was I doing? Are these what I should really be doing? What am I five to ten years from now? And the answers I got were a lot of I don’t knows.
I wasn’t sure of anything…of what to do. Things have got to change and this pounded in my head.
In a heart to heart talk with my mom she told me that I am not weak, in fact I am strong. But my strength blinds me and pushes me to the wrong direction. It creates vengeance in my heart which shouldn’t be the way. I needed guidance to put my strength in good use.
I was very wrong in thinking that these people who are nagging me are trying to take over my life, ‘coz they weren’t. What they were doing was honing me, channeling my strength to the right maternal path.
I later realized, I was very fortunate because I managed to get out of all the pains and sorrows that went my way. I owe this management skills to the constant nagging of adults around. I was able to fly high after all those crashes.
If there’s one thing I regret, it would be not realizing my incapabilities sooner. Now, I have to go through trouble shooting all the negative effects that my childish views had brought.
That’s life, I have to reap what I sow. But I know that I can still do something about everything as long as I’m alive. The beauty of life is in second chances.
And so I asked my friend Ano ba ginagawa mo? Ano ba ang dapat mo gawin? Pano mo nakikita sarili mo five or ten years from now?
She gave me my old self’s answer to the same questions…ewan ko.
And I didn’t say any more.
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