I remember the first time my daughter stepped into a classroom that was in a small pre-school beside the church in our town. I thought we would never make it inside the room that day because the parents who were picking up children from an earlier class and those bringing their children in for the next class were crowding at the entrance. Even the kids couldn’t make their way through the crowd. I then wondered, “what’s this anyway, the first day of classes or parents’ orientation?”
At last the children from the earlier period were all gone and the one and only teacher that the school had, was ready to start the next class…or so I thought!
She didn’t start the class with a ‘good morning children,’ but rather with ‘would the parents please step out!’ I almost laughed as I peeked through the window to check on what’s happening, some parents were actually seated inside the classroom beside their child. The small chairs almost gave way to their bulky built. As the teacher called on their attention, some did stand up while some stayed because their children were all whining. I left as soon as I saw my daughter talking to a classmate and just enjoying herself.
When I came back to pick up my daughter, the same scenario met me at the entrance. Some parents were checking if their child finished their food as if not being witness to the recess. There was this one who really caught my attention, she got really mad at a parent whose shoulder bag slightly hit the head of her son.
This scenario went on until the middle of the year. Sometimes when I would pick up my daughter early I would find parents who were there since the start of the period and are waiting for classes to end, some would call their kids during recess to feed them and yes there were still parents inside the room.
The latter really freaked out the teacher and when she finally got fed up she talked to the parents of those children and on the next half of the school year, I learned that the children were pulled out of the school, the teacher simply said “the kids and their parents are not ready for preschool” and to the remaining parents she said “don’t be overprotective of your children, nothing bad will happen to them here in school”
Over-protectiveness, a typical mistake parents make and I guess everyone’s guilty of this. A friend ones told me, over-protectiveness is different from being excited. Some of the parents of preschoolers are just so excited that they tend to be very fussy about things. On the other hand, there is still this familiar scene that you would find in schools all throughout the year that,I even as a parent do not understand.
Grace Shangkuan Koo, Ph.D. mentioned in her column some interesting ones “the yaya or mother wiping and drying the back of a child. The protective guardian pours baby powder on the kid and frantically fans her "suffering" angel. Some parents carry school bags for their kids when the youngsters are perfectly capable of hauling their own load. You see these poor parents seated on the kiddy chairs after dismissal, copying assignments or notes for their kids.”
Being protective is probably a natural reaction from parents especially with the harsh environment that children are exposed to now, but then again, there is always too much of something.
Over-protectiveness is a totally different story and Dr. Koo says “parents who protect their kids from taking the consequences of their action or lack of it may raise spoiled, dependent, irresponsible children."
A friend of mine who happened to be a teacher in elementary told me that “too many well-meaning parents may prevent a skinned knee or even a broken arm by being overly protective physically, but in the process they may exert undue influence and diminish the feelings of self-reliance and self-control.”
I remember having a classmate in elementary whose mom would stay all day in school watching him, spoon-feeding him and wiping his back. This went on until grade six and I could see his embarrassment but he just couldn’t do anything. This made him really insecure and though he had some friends, he would choose to stay quiet so that the older kids would not notice him and tease him.
Every one of us at one point in our kiddy lives would have prayed for our parents to lay off our backs and this is probably what our children are thinking of right now. A kid as young as four can already feel bound and trapped by over-protectiveness. My daughter would sometimes tell me “i can do this mom!" and of course I know that she really can do it but I would be too afraid of her being hurt.“
Overprotective parents unintentionally send out a message to their children that they are incapable of handling things by themselves. In addition, the parents’ fears transmit themselves to the children who, in turn, begin to perceive dangers lurking in every new activity and experience.” This is what experts from Indiaparenting.com say about overprotective parents.
They added that “when a child does something on her own for the first time, it is a great accomplishment, even if it is something as insignificant as learning to ride a bicycle. Parents who wrap their children in cotton wool, in a manner of speaking, are denying their children this pleasure.”
There are just so many reasons why a parent would become over-protective. Some parents easily feel afraid and guilty even if there is really no reason to feel it. Our fear of what would happen to our children and our quilt that we got mad at them often pushes us to have overprotective feelings.
Other parents become overprotective of a child who has had a serious illness or accident because they feel that this child is vulnerable. But instead of helping these children to strive to be stronger, they are weakened even more by the thought that someone’s just there to take care of them.
It can be very hard to know what is an appropriate level of protectiveness and what is overprotective. What is most important is that we are aware of this issue and try, whenever possible, to allow our child to deal with the challenges and problems that she is ready to deal with.
Open communication, listen to and trust the children, these would be very effective tools. One thing I learned throughout the years is that children would say honestly what they can and cannot do. They know when to ask for help and when not to.
Of course we parents will often, if not always, know what is best for our children and we would still decide what’s permissible and not but we ought to be careful that the need to protect the children from certain specific dangers doesn't turn into a habit of over-protectiveness in general. At the end of the day, it is still the wings of our children that we are controlling, we either clip it or we let it go for them to soar.
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