I guess I am indeed stubborn. I go do as I please and this often leads me to my own destruction. I have entered once more the vicious cycle that took me years to escape and all because I let my guards down. Now, once more, my life’s in limbo!
Too late for apologies, too late for crying, the damage has been done and there’s nothing left to do but to move on. This is what I kept telling myself weeks before.
When you hurt people, you ought to apologize. You might be the kind of person who appears to have no remorse of what he’s done but still, asking for forgiveness is a person’s responsibility to his loved ones, to the people he hurt and to himself.
But don’t expect to be forgiven at an instant. This is what I’ve learned. You may have asked for forgiveness, but being forgiven is not easy so don’t push your luck too much.
A priest once told me that if apologies are a person’s responsibility, so is forgiveness, but in both of these responsibilities come sincerity, it cannot be forced out of anyone.
If you have apologized sincerely and have been forgiven, thank the Lord for the person’s compassion. If you have apologized sincerely and but was given a mere shrug, thank the Lord still, for the person is human like you.
Bear in mind that you have apologized, you took the first step and the next step is to prove that you are sincere and this goes with action. Only then will you earn forgiveness.
So, this is where my life is at the moment, trapped in a world of pain and sorrow. A world I have unfortunately…accidentally created for myself, out of mindlessness…out of carelessness…out of love…a world where forgiveness is now nowhere in sight.
I guess it’s all too fresh for me to share, but it’s something I have to slowly face. Revelation is a part of life that one has to be ready for, lest he will not have salvation. Confession is a therapy and a therapy is something you undergo for a long period of time, and if you don’t take the first step, you’ll never reach the end.
This latest tribulation created a hole in my personality. Something I never thought would ever happen again in my life. But history has its way of repeating itself to show people what they’ve missed out on.
Indeed, I’ve missed out on a lot of things. More importantly, I missed out on lessons that I have learned over my last journey. They simply slipped off my body and left me empty once more to absorb another crisis…a new crisis which seems to be a dead end.
I was too close to giving up. I have never seen myself giving up on anything, not even when I had a crisis a few years back. But this one is enough to drag my sanity out of my body. I have to hold on to something, I have to find a stable “something or anything” in me that will hold me down and keep me standing.
Days passed…weeks…and still the hole keeps on growing…getting deeper…creating something more like an abyss. In the middle of this chaotic world that I’ve once more created I felt nothing but fear. Fear that I have lost this battle. I couldn’t accept it! I have never lost a battle in my life and I will not let it happen now.
There were no more answers outside of me. I realized that I cannot reach out anymore for I have bound my hand too close to my body when I created this world.
In the darkness of soul I’ve created a wall to separate me from reality. With an impure heart I have painted a world full of pretense. Yet still, in all these barriers I struggled to search inside. Wishing that there’s something left inside that would give me hope. And there, in the dark soul and impure heart I came across forgiveness. The last piece left for me.
I went from hurt to plain miserable, I was trapped, I couldn’t let go and could not move on and the answer I found was because in the course of all the apologizing that I have made to the people I’ve hurt, I forgot to apologize to the most important person of all, the one person trapped in the middle of this crisis…me!
I haven’t forgiven myself for letting my guards down, for searching for love and acceptance in the most unlikely places, for hurting the only people who have been willing to die to protect me, for neglecting the souls that I have vowed to care for, for loving and for getting hurt.
I am about to jump over my next hurdle, the struggle to find forgiveness for myself.
If in my previous victories I have done it because of the cheering crowd all around me. This time, I have to do it alone and prove to the world that I can reach the end of the line and raise my own flag and be able to claim again my person…the one I’ve lost a year ago.
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