How many failures and disappointments does a person have to endure before he feels fulfilled?
I’ve made a lot of bad choices that later in life I figured out to be intertwined and all involved in my use of too much heart and less mind.
I have been through so many tribulations in my life that I cannot even find one stage in it that has none. From the smallest of mistakes to the greatest of failures…name them…I’ve been through them. But the start of the ‘failure waves’ in my life would be in my freshman year.
I didn’t really want to be in UPLB primarily because it was so far and the year I would enter college is the year after the famous killing of two students there. But, I wanted to be a UP student, who wouldn’t? It’s just that, Los Baños is just too far from home.
But my brother was taking up medicine and my sister, dentistry and the school I wanted had a highfaluting tuition fee and a lifestyle way beyond me. Insisting what I want would make things really difficult for my dad. Besides, he dreams of having a child in UP just like him, so I headed off to UPLB.
The entrance to UPLB had Independence written all over it and it was something I was excited about…yet fearful of.
College won’t be that bad, I thought. Little did I know that the talent I learned in my elementary days, the strength that I earned in high school, the Catholic doctrine and faith pounded into me by my mom, everything that carved my personality in the previous years of life was to be tested from the day I set foot in that campus.
I was to start the recreation of myself.
I was a freshman in a new world with a different culture. I got exposed to so many things and so many kinds of people.
I got into a relationship too early in the year. But this being the first real relationship I was in, the guy being the first guy in my life other than my brothers and my dad just made it too overwhelming. I gave everything to the relationship, my heart, my mind…my body. It became serious, too serious that I ended up in very big trouble.
Before the end of my freshman year, I got pregnant. I formulated lots of plans – from A to D. From the smallest thing that I would do to the biggest decision this situation would take. But nowhere in these plans did I include aborting the child…I was different then.
I didn’t realize that it’s been 4 months and I have been through summer class, and had already enrolled for the first semester of my sophomore year…still no one knew of my condition, not even my boyfriend.
But my body was giving me away. I had series of migraine attacks. Not ordinary headaches but head splitting pains. I was getting thinner, my eyes were surrounded with dark shadows…I was ill.
My father got frightened that they filed for my leave of absence from school thinking that I was so ill to attend classes.
I was at home already, but still I didn’t speak of my condition, no, I wasn’t afraid, I was trying to find the right time and it was taking longer. A month passed and now, it’s my conscience that’s giving me away. I was having nightmares and the last one was my wake up call…
I was in a foggy and cold room. A tall, lean man was up ahead sitting on a big chair. He was cradling a baby in one of his arms He forced a smile at me and motioned for me to come closer, so I did. Up close, I still couldn’t make out his face, there were eyes, nose, mouth, it was complete, but I can’t seem to recognize him. Then he spoke in a sad low voice “bakit hindi mo tanggapin ang regalo ko sayo?”
I was crying and shaking, then I realized my mom was waking me up asking me why I was crying…that was it…I had to spill it out. One deep breath and I told her my dream and then my condition.
She cried so hard…the cry that sounded like she had lost all hope…a desperate plea to God asking what she has done wrong…I sat still all the while.
Too afraid to inflict even more hurt on my parents, I agreed to get married when my boyfriend arrived in our home with his family to settle the matter. A month after, I was a wife to boy who I trust would become a man soon.
My father wanting badly for both my husband and I to earn a degree for our child allowed my husband to go back to school while I stayed at home waiting for my term. Trying to be good and obedient children, we abided by what our parents said.
Six months after I gave birth, I also went back to the university, shifted to a different course and continued my education. My husband and I rented an apartment and we would go back to Manila on weekends…the only time we see our child.
It was hard, living on our own, with too much temptation around and seeing our child only on weekends. We tried to get used to the situation and adjust to it to make the best of it…but the situation got the better of us.
We started to live our lives like we were ordinary teenage pals living under the same roof and him coming home only when he wanted to. The house became the hangout of our friends who would come in and out or even stay overnight, taking away much of our privacy.
We started to enjoy our freedom from the family responsibilities too much that our relationship started to go down the drain!
Allowing too many people in our lives endangered us and brought us to a bumpy road that seemed to have no escape. He got tired of my out of this world hospitality to our friends and I got tired of the numerous infidelity issues about him. After four year of fighting, misunderstandings and selfish intentions, we got separated. I found out more about his infidelities and he got tired of my guts.
In one year I started to work part-time and study to make up for all that pain I’ve caused my family and my child. I wanted to prove to them that I can make it on my own.
Then, the wind took a different direction and blew him back. In as much as I wanted to hold on to my pride, I wanted my child happy and it was his father’s reappearance that brought twinkle to her eyes.
We agreed to get together again and after two years I got pregnant with my second child. Halfway in my pregnancy, another woman came into the picture. Though it pains me to get separated again with my husband, I feared staying with him even more. A month after I gave birth we separated again.
Again I struggled to keep my family happy by doing things the way they wanted things to happen. I worked for my family. My parents expressed their fear of me remarrying if I work for other companies. I was tied down to serving my family.
But my heart and mind was fighting. It was too late in my lifetime to rebel but it was then that I did it. Being tied down to something that’s a dead end built so much anger inside of me. There’s no moving up in this company, I shouldn’t be here, it was bugging me. All the frustrations made me feel worthless for my kids. I felt like my kids would think that I’m a puppet with no identity. I had to make a move, do something for myself to take off all the anger growing in me, lest I will end up losing.
I have to secure my kids and make sure I can care for them even if time would take away the people that are helping me at the moment. I have to prepare myself and be independent whether they like it or not.
My parents being the protective but loving parents that they are allowed me a little freedom. While not being able to leave the family business still pained me so much, I had the consolation of at least doing something that I knew brought a smile on my child’s face. She was proud that I was singing and writing…but it was only for a while.
Just when I thought things are going to be fine for us, I got side tracked from my plans. I had to again inflict myself with pain far greater than the previous ones. I got into a relationship…I fell in love and fell in the abyss!
Most people believe that it was libido that drove us into this relationship. They would not, in any way put themselves to believe that truly I did fell in love. I was too old for it so they claim…but no…I was still young…it just was not right…he was a family man and I, still legally married.
But it happened and resulted to another pregnancy. I was different before, as I’ve said earlier, for this time I did took into consideration aborting the baby. If I was too strong and brave in the earlier part of my life…I was weak and afraid this time.
But God has his ways of saving the innocent, if in my first bearing he used my dreams, now he used our weakness to save the child. He made us even more careless and made sure we slip, for once it happened, the baby was safe…no one touched the child when the issue exploded.
Of course, this is but once again a condition brought about by my use of too much heart and less mind. A situation which brings pain to the small angels that I have in my room, something that made me a failure again, but pushed me to move on, a puzzle that only acceptance can solve - a gift that only God can give.
It didn’t take me long to decide on what I will do. I didn’t have the luxury of sulking for I have to be strong for my children. I had to move on and pray that I be allowed to move on. This is just another hurdle, and like most hurdles in my life, I will overcome this one.
I have made a lot of bad choices. I have disappointed a lot of people and much more myself. I have failed so many times and had been frustrated. But if I were to be given another chance to go back and change my life, I wouldn’t change a thing. For whichever road I take, failure and pain is bound to come my way, it will just be in a different package. I have asked for forgiveness for all that I’ve done, still I do not regret a thing of my past for it was laid to me for a reason - learning. My past made me who I am today, no matter how people perceive my personality I have become a human being who can love and live.
Frankly, counting your disappointments, failures and frustrations is a trap. They never come to an end. You have to be dead to not experience them. Better count how many times you stood up, fought and moved on because it is there that you will find fulfillment.
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