Why make long term plans?

I once gave a seatwork on long-term personal goals to my students and one of them turned the table and excitedly asked me of my future plans, as if he would get some juicy information out of me. Surprise and amazement at the same time enveloped his face when I answered him confidently: “I don’t have any.”

I don’t have the luxury of making long term plans or goals anymore. If you are the kind of person who almost died twice and who’s not quite sure how long his or her life on earth would be, then you’ll probably understand why I don't have any long term plans.

Well, in reality, I actually do have plans but these are not long-term. These are what I would call “shorter short-term plans.” My initial plan is to make it through a day and make sure I wake up the next day and get to spend it with my family and friends. The next plan is to keep myself out of the hospital; and finally, do whatever it is that I can do now. These plans don't look as easy as they sound, and to those who are thinking that mine is a sad situation, you’re very much mistaken. It actually is not, instead, it is a sweet situation where I get to treasure every minute I have.

No, I’m not yet dying! At least not very soon, but with the condition I have, God only knows when my body will totally give way and succumb to death. I have hemolytic anemia and I’m trying hard to keep my hemoglobin count stable.

Hemolytic anemia is a disease wherein a person’s antibodies are destroying red blood cells at a faster rate than the bone marrow’s production of it. So, the bone marrow's production couldn’t keep up with the destruction of the cells causing the body’s blood count to eventually drop. What triggers it? Apparently, the trigger would vary from person to person. Mine is cold agglutinin, which means, cold temperature causes my anti-bodies to become active, thereby destroying my RBC.

It was only last year that my disease was finally discovered, but I’ve been in and out of the hospital for two years. Last year I had three blood transfusions because my hemoglobin count dropped to a critical level. As the blood ran through my veins, so did the realizations in my head—life is short. It’s a cliché, I know, but apparently, it’s true.

While I was contemplating on what I’ve been doing with my life, I realized how unbalanced it was. I was too focused on things that would get me to earn more or achieve more in terms of career; I neglected my family, and more importantly, myself.

I, of course, asked the doctor if my condition would change if the illness would actually go away. Unfortunately, I was told that it’s staying with me for good. Then images of my yaya’s sister who died of aplastic anemia flashed through my head. Hers was a more difficult case; she had to have blood transfusion every two months because her bone marrow is not producing blood. She eventually got tired of the regular procedure. She ran away from our place and went back home to their province where she finally gave in to death. I then wondered, how long before I give up from the pain (and expenses!) and say hi to our Maker? Nah! I realized it was such a depressing thought so I let go of it. I told myself “why worry about the future when I should be thinking of the ‘now.’”

I decided that if I am to live with this illness, then I will live with it happily. I will make sure that every moment will be worthwhile. I will eat what I want to eat, go where I want to go, spend time with whomever I want to spend time with. I want to be remembered as an action taker and not the planner that I have always been. I want to be remembered as someone who has achieved her goals; someone who doesn’t have any regret.

And so I told my student that plans and goals, to be achievable, have to be realistic. The future for me is uncertain and doing a plan for the next five years is not really realistic for me. Maybe a plan for the next five days is more realistic. My student still couldn’t wipe off the amazement from his eyes, and so I reiterated: "What is happening in the ‘now’ is the only feasible thing for me." 

My funeral will be a party!

Gone are the days when mourners would wear all black or all white clothes while walking the streets to the sad tune of “Hindi Kita Malilimutan.” There’s just something wrong with this scenario. I mean, death is not the end of life. It is the beginning of a new life, a life of freedom, freedom from pain, diseases and whatever other burden life has to offer. So, it's not something to cry about, it's something to celebrate!

If I were to die, I wouldn’t want people crying during my funeral. If they do or did love me, then they ought to be happy that I have gone. With all the things I’ve been through, I guess death is the easiest way out for me. Not that I want to die now, I’m just saying that to be free from life’s crazy ways I have to be dead, and since I am not dead yet, then here I am, still wrecking my brain of how I can deal with life. So, if death do come to take me, isn’t it just fair that the people who claims to love me be happy because I am finally free?

As for the clothes, please spare me the cliché of wearing black and white. These colors are just too gloomy for my taste. I know I like black, but not for funerals, the emotion is heavy enough during such even especially with everyone crying that adding black to it makes it unbearably sad. White, on the other hand, is one shade that I never have been fond of. My high school uniform was all-white and that gave me four years of laundry nightmare! I can never wear white properly, which is basically my dense reason for not wanting white in my funeral. I like green, blue, pink, purple, yellow also, even red. Just let go of the gloomy colors and bring in the rainbow!

I love music and it is an important part of my life, thus, I want the music in my funeral to be beautiful, hip, and cool. When I say beautiful, hip, and cool, I would mean those sounds that I enjoy listening to like EBTG, VST and Co. Apo Hiking Society, Indigo Girls, etc. etc. I have a collection so selecting music wouldn’t be that hard.

I still want the old school parade of people from my house (or wherever the wake would be) to the church. But instead of walking slowly while sniffing, I want street dancing and singing. Hear me! I am not joking! This is true! I want the people joining my funeral to be dancing in the street as they march towards the church. I am yet to think of a good song, but as of now, I think I like “Awitin mo” by VST and Co. (is my title right?)  

I also don’t want the balloons that some mourners would send up to the sky for wishes. I want pompoms, fireworks, and those ribbons that pop out of tubes (I don’t know what they are called). All these while shouting “Bye Bye Kyo! Have fun!”

But you know, until last Monday I was still wondering why I was spared from death twice, but after watching “A Little Bit of Heaven,” a movie about a dying woman, I realized that I wasn’t ready. The universe, the Supreme Being, God, will not take anyone who is not ready and by not ready I mean I haven’t done the things I want and need to do. The upside of this is that I have more years to live because I still haven’t figured out until now what I want and I still couldn’t clearly lay down what I need. The downside, however, is that I don’t know if I ever will be, and I don’t want to live to be a hundred. I, however, know one thing for sure; and that is how my deathbed would look like. I have this clearly painted in my head. I have my kids beside me and that’s all I see.

Nevertheless, regardless of when and how I will die, I still want to make it clear that I don’t care if I would be cremated or buried six feet under. I leave that decision to my family. What matters is the after funeral party! I’d be free, so it’s fair to party!

Happiness is the only career path

I was once again faced with a dilemma. I was recently accepted in a very prestigious school to teach ESL to Koreans for the whole of July. I was ecstatic when I was told that I got the post. Why shouldn't I be?  From the more than 20 applicants they received, only nine  were accepted and I was one of them.  So, I was pretty much contented with this job until another offer came my way. My former school offered me a part-time teaching gig.

Naturally, I weighed the pros and the cons based on the usual criteria:  salary, security, opportunities, and I even included pride based on which school name would look better in my resume. Then, like what I always do when I have a dilemma, I consulted my friends and some members o f my family.  Their initial reactions were almost the same, except for this one friend of mine.

While everyone I talked to asked me either which school would look better in my resume or which one would give a better salary, or which one would be healthier for me, this one friend of mine asked me a trivial question: "What would make you happy?"

Silence….

I couldn't answer. I very well know what makes me happy when it comes to my love life, my family, and in most other areas of my life, but apparently, except for my career.  The question kept repeating in my head, it lingered like a bee: What would make me happy?

When I was much younger I always thought salary matters very much when choosing a career. A lot of opportunities for high salaries came my way. I got involved in jobs that really pay well. But none of them really made me happy. I'm pretty sure salary won't make me happy, for if it could, I would never have left the corporate world for teaching.

Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying that money doesn't matter, it does. How would I be able to buy my needs if I don't have it? What I am saying is , when you have a high salary, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are happy. I've met a lot of people earning six digit salaries, but kept on complaining day in and day out about how stressful their work is or how they never really get to do the things they want.  Some would even bluntly say that they are not happy, but they stay in the job. So, this only proves that while salary is important for survival, it is not the primary means for happiness in a job.

Then there's the issue of resumes that would brag of a very colorful employment history with highlights on the names of organizations or companies served. Who wouldn't want to work in a prestigious company? I'm pretty sure I'd like to. But the name of the company is not a guarantee that I would be happy. I've met a lot of people working for top companies in the country. They are proud indeed, but some of them are not really that happy mostly because of the workload and the expectations they face most everyday. So, I don't think that the school's name is going to make me that happy either. If the name really did matter, I would have never turned my back on those two very prestigious school where I was called in to teach a few years back. But I did, and I only felt a very insignificant amount of regret which faded in about two or three days after I made the decision of letting go.

I have tried reflecting on the other factors that most people consider when applying for a job. I've looked into benefits, opportunities, location, etc. But, none of them made me happy.  What I'm saying is, none of these is my cup of tea.

I guess you're now thinking that no job will ever make me happy. I was thinking the same a few nights ago. But it hit me suddenly, "sometimes we stay in a job not because of the system, not because of the benefits, not even for the company name or the salary. We stay in job, no matter the stress because of the people that surrounds us." This was said to me by the first dean that I worked for, who later became a very good friend to me.

I felt so stupid once this line crawled out of my memory bank. How could I not have realized it? How could I have missed the one thing that has always made me happy in a job?

My primary source of happiness in a job is the same source of happiness in my love life and in my family--good relationship and communication. I love communicating with people, I enjoy being around them, especially people who cares for me, loves me, considers me a family and who I feel the same way for. This is probably why communication is my major. I also always go for a good relationship. I am never productive in a workplace where I am in conflict with people or merely just treated as an acquaintance.  A good relationship matters to me.

Happiness is the prime consideration when finding a job. To some people it is salary that would make them happy. To some it would the prestige. I, for sure, am happiest where the people I consider my family is. Whichever the source of happiness would be, what matters is we are happy.  Happiness, I would say, is the only career path. Whatever job we may have, the only path to fulfillment would be happiness.

The only question left now is, will the people I love be happy with me around again. Well, it's for them to know and for me to find out...very soon. 

Random Ino: Mga Sumakop sa Pilipinas

Ino: di ba maraming sumakop sa atin, Spain, Japan, America, China
Mama: hindi tayo sinakop ng China anak
Ino: Ba't maraming Chinese dito?

Life is "Sinigang"

I just finished reading the manuscript of the book that my friend Philip will be launching in August of this year. It’s been so long since I last read Filipino essays. It’s not because I don’t enjoy then, in fact I do enjoy them, it was just I was very busy getting sick. Anyway, this collection made me realize how I missed doing it so much.

I have always known Philip to be a good writer; I’ve always respected him for that. But owing to the fact that he is more than 10 years younger than I am, I’ve always perceived him to be a pampered boy; someone who lacks experience; someone whose childhood was spent boringly inside the house. But after reading his manuscript, I realized he was not the one lacking in experience, it was I.

The book entitled Sinigang Formula is a collection of Philip’s Filipino essays. In this collection, Philip tells of his experiences as a young boy, a student, a friend, a teacher, a man in love, a father, and a person struggling to be independent. He used simple words that every Filipino, regardless of age, would understand, and experiences that a lot of people could relate to.

I must admit, I was initially ambivalent about the title since it sounded so much like a recipe book. Sinigang, by the way, is a Filipino delicacy. It could have pork, beef, fish or chicken as main ingredient and it has a soup made sour by tamarind. It also has vegetables like taro, okra and a lot of others that people could think of putting in it. (I put tomato in my Sinigang, which to some would be weird) This delicacy is best eaten during rainy days but of course, for people who love it so much like Philip does, it would be worth enjoying regardless the weather. After Philip explained the title in the foreword of his book, I was very much enlightened. It was indeed a recipe book, but not for food, but for writing personal essays and for looking at life.

Since the collection mostly speaks of Philip’s life, some people might say “What the hell do I care about his life?” But then again, this book is more than just his stories. It’s something that would encourage readers to look back and recall events in their lives that they have forgotten but are worth remembering. I, for one, felt this after reading the whole collection. I was able to recall episodes in my life. Episodes that I usually could not vividly recall, nor could I put into paper; probably because I didn’t exert much effort or maybe because I just never thought they were valuable. 

My personal favorite would be Philip’s stories about his teaching experiences, maybe because I am a teacher myself. I love the way he described how he envied his students who would come in on the first day of classes wearing brand new clothes and using new school supplies while he was wearing an old pair of shoes and an old set of clothes; and at the same time was struggling to make ends meet. The teaching profession does not really come with a good salary.

I also admired Philip for bravely admitting that he was once told by students how his class was so boring; how some would shout “Uwian na! Uwian na!” at the first sight of him; how he got pissed at students who would retouch their make-ups during class; how he fell for one of his students. While I was reading these stories, I had flashbacks to my classrooms trying to picture what my students were doing while I was rendering a lecture.

I also enjoyed Philip’s essay on his childhood experiences; how he was so disappointed when his mother found a love letter that he wrote for his crush, and how he would rent a pedicab and pick up passengers just to earn enough money to buy Fanta. I realized how I missed out on some areas of my childhood, or maybe I am just too old to remember.

Philip’s life is simple, some would even say it is typical, but he treasured it so much that he even made essays about it to keep the memories alive. This is basically the effect of his collection—to encourage readers to keep their memories alive the best way they can. His essays would make a reader feel that writing personal essays is not difficult after all. It does not require unfathomable words. It could be simple yet interesting. It simply has to have the basic ingredients—experience and the heart to share it. It also follows a simple formula and this is to narrate; just tell the story in the same way we would tell stories to our friends.

I guess when this book launches in August I would not have second thoughts in buying it. Not because Philip is my friend, but because this book is a collection of a person’s life that was bravely shared to everyone. But of course, I would love it even better if Philip would just give me a copy for free.

Kudos to my friend Philip Anorico! Thank you for hinting me to brush up on my reading.

A line from Philip's collection:

“Inggit na inggit ako sa mga bata. Bago ang uniporme nila. Pati na mga gamit. Nangangamoy plastic cover at Crayola sa klasrum. Wala silang kamalay-malay sa pinagdaraanan ko noon.” ~ Titser 101—Usapang Uniporme

Random Me: STFAP

Ito napapala ko sa kakafill-up ng STFAP

Me: Panu yan, wala naman akong properties, katawan ko lang property ko
Rnl: Sigurado ka ba na property mo pa yan?
Me: oo, akin na akin ito
Rnl: sa dami ng ginastos ng daddy mo sa pagpapagamot sayo property mo pa ba yan?

-----

Me: dad, sa liabilities ba isasama ko yung mga dues ko like net, electricity etc.?
Dad: Liabilities utang na kailangan mo bayaran, tulad sa banko. Electricity expenses mo yun
Me: oo nga. Kelangan ko na mag-aral ulit pumupurol na ko. Pano yan, dami ko utang sayo? Sama ko ba? joke!
Dad: lecturan kita basic accounting mamya

Nothing is wasted

I have always thought that I wasted a lot of my years of living on nothing. This was until after yesterday’s homily in church.

The priest talked about how Paul, one of Jesus Christ’s apostles, thought he too wasted a lot of his time. Honestly, I’ve already forgotten most of what the priest said. But one statement kept ringing in my head until today—nothing is wasted.

Really? Then why am I full of regrets?

I am so used to doing numerous things, often all at the same time, that each time I’m idle I feel like I’m wasting time. So, my usual tendency is to overload myself with work, keep myself busy, just to make sure that I make good use of my time. But what is a good use of time anyway?

I looked back at all those years that I thought I wasted my time: the years I took a break from the university, being bed ridden for months, and other idle moments I just spent watching movies over my computer. I regret so much of all these times that I spent doing nothing. Then it hit me, is it really possible to do nothing?

I almost didn’t sleep last night of thinking about how we do nothing. I realized it’s only possible when we’re dead. I mean, if we think we’re doing nothing, we are actually still doing something, and that is thinking—thinking that we are not doing anything.  When we’re in front of the TV and not working or studying, we’re actually still doing something, and that is watching TV. When we just lie down the whole day and not doing anything, we are still doing something, and that is lying down. See, it’s impossible to do nothing!

But of course, the ‘nothing’ that I am talking about is 'not doing something worthwhile' or 'not being able to achieve something'.  Nevertheless, however big the picture we make about ‘doing nothing’ it is still not possible not to do anything.

So, I tried looking back at all those years that I thought I wasted my time doing nothing and I realized I was looking at those events from the wrong angle. Then I asked myself: what was I doing during those times that I thought I wasn’t doing anything?

Like a family photo album, my mind opened up and as a flipped through each page I clearly saw how I spent those years that I thought I wasted.

The first year I stopped attending the university I had to prepare to give birth to a beautiful child. In the second year, I got separated from my husband and I had to care for myself and make sure my daughter would not have this huge emotional disturbance. I got pregnant at an early age and and had a really bad marriage, a lot of people said I wasted my time and am about to waste the remainder of my time. But really, is bringing life to this earth and making that life remains stable enough to grow into something beautiful a waste time? I don’t think so anymore. I may have not been able to graduate from college on time but I sure was able to bring a beautiful person in this earth, a very intelligent and very caring person. I could now say I made good use of my time.

Then there were those years that I was bedridden, once in 2010 and another in 2012. Both those incidents were brought about by too much stress. Like what I’ve said, I am so used to doing so many things that being sick is where I landed. Not being able to work and support my kids and having to be fed and taken care of by my parents made me really depressed. I sulked on the idea that I am a burden to them. I hated the feeling of not being able to work and earn money. I hate not being able to do anything; it was a total waste of time—or not.

I realized that all those times that I was just on my bed lying down, I was actually doing the most important thing that I should be doing: that is building a strong relationship with my whole family and with God. Being there on my bed left me with only one thing to do—reflect. That time when I was sick was the time that I was able to actually draw out the kind of life I want and how I can get this without having to stress myself so much. Again, now I could say I made a good use of my time. 

Well, as for all those times watching movies over my computer, I don't consider it a waste of time anymore, because movies are my stress relievers; and if I don't want to get sick, I have to stay away from stress. Also, the movies I watch gives me ideas on what I would write about or talk about with my students. This is not a mere justification of my hobby, this is a reality, those movies do help. So, yes, I could say I made good use of my time.

Did I waste time? I don't think so. None of the things that I do and didn’t do went or will ever go to waste because I just realized that had it not been for all these things I wouldn’t be what or who I am now. The things that we do or did not do during the times we thought we wasted are still factors that would affect how we will turn out to be as a person.

‘Nothing’ is wasted because we can never ‘not do’ anything and nothing is wasted because whatever it is we do will serve a purpose.

There is no point regretting.

It’s my fault they won

I was not able to vote yesterday.  I had my reasons and it is far from what other non-voters claim—that they couldn’t find anyone worthy of their vote. But it is selfish nevertheless.

I actually have a list, which now bugs my conscience. Had I turned my back on the pressing thing I had to do yesterday, had I gone out to vote, I may have made a difference somehow.

Sorry, I don’t agree with what other people say—that my vote is just one vote and will not make a difference.  If we all think this way, then we are talking of a hell lot of votes being put to waste just because each one who would have practiced it thought it didn’t matter. My vote counts; and my not being able to vote yesterday had just eliminated my right to question the results of the election.

People in FB have been ranting over why Nancy Binay made it to the top 12. I cannot say anything, I couldn’t comment. Who am I to say that the people who voted for Nancy Binay are crazy? They are no crazier than I am who just threw away a chance to make a difference. 

Yet, I’d like to have a chance to pick the brain of those who actually voted for Binay and the others (by others I would mean those that are being bashed over the net). They may have seen something in these candidates that I didn’t see. I have a blind spot sometimes. But in the same way that I have my reason why I chose my candidates, these people who voted for Binay and the others have their reasons as well. I do hope they did not just rely on name recall otherwise it would be an even sadder Philippines in the next six or more years.

I had a list. It was a dream team, or at least I believe it is a dream team. The people in my list aren’t that famous, some are fresh blood; others have been in the government for quite some time, but with very few negative records. I do not claim my candidates to be perfect, I just think they are the lesser evil. Pardon me for my term, but I have always had this impression that once people take a seat in public office, there is very high probability for them to become corrupt. They become blinded by their interests that they forget to care about their country. No one escapes the dirty system, I know deep inside of me that even the people in my list will eventually be eaten up by the system, but like what I have said, they are the lesser evil, they still somehow have some good left in them.

Unfortunately, my list is left now to just sit in my drawer. I was so consumed by my work that I forgot to care about my country. Now what does that make of me?  I am no different than those who are in public office working to serve their own interests. Now, I have no one else to blame for the partial results that I’ve seen so far but myself.

Well that’s life; too late for any ranting now. It’s not healthy to dwell on a faulty decision, because the result is already there staring us in the face. The best thing to do is accept it, work around it, and not lose hope.

It’s my fault that these people will take oath and lead our country. Next time, I will make sure I’m not to blame myself anymore. This is one mistake I will try hard not to do again!

The world does not revolve around us

Yesterday I watched the movie Life Happens. It dealt with a lot of issues: single parenthood, divorce, sex, friendship. This movie is worthy of multiple blogs because it made me reflect on so many things and the first thing being 'sensitivity.'

Sometimes we get so caught up with our problems that we think everything is about us and in the process we ignore the fact that even the people around us have problems too. I've seen a lot of relationships ruined because of this, some were even my own.

I remember telling someone who I felt was demanding so much of my time that the world does not revolve around him. I was hoping that in saying so he would understand that I too had problems of my own that I need to focus on. Well, instead of understanding, he got really mad at me and left. We never talked again.

Of course I was so infuriated but later I realized that if I think he was being insensitive about my situation maybe I was insensitive too about his. I had problems, he had problems, we both had. The problems may not be in the same level of seriousness but are problems just the same. I was selfish to want to be understood when I didn’t even try to understand his situation. It was not the only time that I didn't exercise empathy properly.

Honestly, sometimes we think we want people to understand us, but deep inside what we want is for them to take our side. Understanding us and taking our side are two different things. People can understand us without necessarily taking our side. In the past I would have considered this to be unfair; to know that a person understood me but thinks that I am not worthy to be sided with.  But now, I guess it's a more truthful act. Besides everyone is capable of thinking for themselves, even our friends and family so why force them.

Then there are those who would take our sides without understanding the situation. I used to be so happy about this, then I grew up and realized it's very childish. I also noticed that those who took my side later on blamed me for involving them in some of my issues and for causing them to be in conflict with certain people. Again, very childish.

When I was much younger, I would have called those who took my side as real friends. But as I grew older I slowly recognized real friendship.  A true friend would be someone who would slap us straight in the face with the reality and not sugarcoat it. A true friend will not take our side just easily, instead that friend is going to help us reflect by most likely negating our beliefs until we see things clearly. They would often set aside their problems just to be with us. Unfortunately, some of us would be too selfish and ungrateful to even notice what these true friend just did for us. Shame on us!

I like the idea of stepping into other people's shoes and looking at things from their perspective before giving any reaction. I used to be sloppy at reacting on issues. I would just say out loud what I had in mind without any consultations or reflections. My best friend, though much younger than I am, saw things differently. She does not get angry at people who judge her, instead she would  try to justify their acts by saying "well, they are probably going through something that's why they say such things." At first I thought she knows nothing about life that's why she could say such justifications, but later I realized I was the dumb one. What she was doing actually addresses my most dreaded fear--conflict.

Since I am afraid of being in conflict, what I do now is to get out of my tightly wrapped mind and explore issues from the minds of other people, taking into consideration factors that cause them to see things in a certain way. It was hard to let go of my issues and be sensitive, but is was worth it. I have eradicated the negative vibes that used to always wander around.

The good thing about having an open mind is that we no longer focus on being understood, instead we aim to understand--not natural but very selfless, very sensitive.

-----------------

Life Happens is about best friend, Kim and Deena, whose lives would change when Kim gets pregnant. Both would fight hard to keep their relationships and lives as normal as possible. Read more about Life Happens from IMDB 

Source: IMDB.com

We do accept the love we deserve

When I was younger I used to wonder why some people pick the wrong person to be their partner. I am most especially concerned with the many intelligent and successful women that I know who always fall for the 'wrong guy.' Well, this was before I had my fair share of unhealthy relationships.

After my failed relationships, I stopped wondering about wrong decisions that most people do when it comes to choosing partners. I guess I felt that I myself made wrong choices so why fuss about it. Besides, I realized that we only start to perceive that a relationship is wrong once we get hurt, but while we're in it, we always think that it's the best thing that has happened to us. So, I realized I should stop caring about this issue.

But then I saw the movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" where a very interesting line was thrown by one of the characters. "We accept the love we think we deserve."

…do we really?

After countless nights (I'm serious, I couldn't count it) of being in deep thoughts about this, it dawned on me. Yes, we actually do. Why else did the phrase "too good to be true" came into existence if not for the doubting that we have towards the love that we deserve.

We perceive people who are actually good to us as 'too good to be true'  and we often question why they are so good. We become too overwhelmed that in the process the relationship becomes bad because the other party freaks out from too much insecurities we exude. We then end up singing 'The One That Got Away!"

It's just weird that we drive good people away from us and we stick with people who treat us badly. Worse we justify the bad treatment as something we provoked thus we deserve.  It's like saying 'I am bad, so I deserve to be punished.'

I remember a friend of mine whose husband is in constant illicit affairs. My friend would always say "Oh, it's my fault, I'm always busy and I have no time for him."

What's with that? Nothing ever justifies infidelity. I am not judging people who goes into illicit relationships. Trust me, I've had my fair share of this too. I wasn't the one doing the 'two-timing'  but I was the third party (bad just the same). It's not a good story but it happened. This is probably why I am brave in saying that nothing justifies it. I was wrong when I did it and I am not putting the blame on anyone.  I did learn one big lesson from it: If you're not happy in  a relationship anymore and you feel like there's no way to save it, get out of the relationship first before entering another one. This saves everyone from greater pain.

Anyway, the point is, if we think that we are not worthy of being loved, then we could not maximize our potential to be loved that is because we would only expose ourselves to people we THINK will get us. We go to places where we BELIEVE we fit and thereby meet people we SUPPOSE we deserve to be relating with.

Some of us would fall for the first guy who says we are pretty and who would give us gifts because we think we deserve being told we are pretty and being given gifts. Some of us would fall for the guy who would undermine our personality because we believe our personality is too strong that we feel other guys are intimidated by us. Some of us would fall for the caring guy who would not let us lift a finger because we believe this is what we deserve.

This is a matter of self-concept --what you think of yourself is how other people will see you; and law of attraction--like attracts like.

Simply, we are in control of the relationships that we make. It is just a matter of how we see ourselves in that relationship. No one really chooses the 'wrong partner' it's just what people who are looking at a relationship from the outside thinks. But the danger here is most of us listen to what other people thinks and this often shakes a relationship.

Read more about "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" 

Giving up is a choice

In my last blog I said that the issue of choosing to give up is worthy of another blog. So here it is...let's talk about choice.

Choice, everything in life is a choice. Happiness, love, forgiveness, living, all of these are choices that we make everyday, whether consciously or subconsciously.

So, if we can choose to live, why would people choose to die?

I will not claim to be an expert on this matter, but I will instead share to you a choice that I had to make when I was met with a very big issue--death.

In 2010 I fell sick. Doctors never found out my illness and in the end they just concluded that it was chronic fatigue.

I was so sick that I couldn't stand up. I was bed-ridden for 10 months. My friends, my family, everyone thought I was going to die. I never thought it...I knew it.

I know I was going to die, but I was also fully aware that I still had a choice. I could still live if I choose to because I know that more than anything, it is our brain that is in control of our whole body. What we think will trigger the information that our brain cells would send to our whole body. It's a very simple science.

It was clear to me back then, but I still couldn't make a choice. Why am I not making the choice? Why am I allowing my body to fade? I didn't know why, at least until a few months after I got well.

Honestly, I was manic depressive that time. It was like all the heartaches and frustrations that I have gone through over the years finally took its toll and it manifested physically. I was in great physical pain and at the same time I was having an unbearable emotional pain.  I was sad, I felt like the whole world has turned its back on me. But in reality, the world didn't turn its back on me, instead I turned my back to the world. I didn't die because I have recognized this fact early on so somehow my brain has unconsciously chose to live. I realized it early, but I didn't act on it positively.

I chose to be treated like a baby because I missed the time when I was being cuddled and hushed whenever I am sad. That time when I was sick was actually an opportunity for me to feel love again and my family didn't fail me. I chose not to get up because I was enjoying the attention, and since I was enjoying the attention given to me while I was in pain, my body responded by giving me even more pain and putting me into an even more pitiful situation--a near death situation. I was nearly dying so people around me was giving me more attention; or at least that was what I thought back then. Later on, after I chose to get up, I realized that their attention was with me all along, even before I got sick, I was just too busy to pay attention.

I lasted 10 months in this condition when most people in the same condition only lasts 2 months and dies afterwards. That's because they never gave the people around them a chance or they did not give themselves a chance. They fail to recognize that in this life, to get what you want, you have to take chances. They further fail to recognize that in taking chances, there is always the risk of getting hurt. They chose not to hurt anymore, I on the other hand, chose to be in pain to get more pity and attention.

But what changed my mind? Why did I finally choose to get up and walk?

I had an epiphany after watching a rerun of a documentary by Kara David, a Filipino reporter, about malnourished kids. There was a 19-year old girl that she featured. I was filled with pity for the girl, her body was skeleton-like and she couldn't get up anymore on her own. In all pride I told my nanny (yes I had a nanny) "At least I don't look like that!" and she just looked at me disturbingly. I could see the pity in her eyes and right then I knew I had to get up and walk. I don't want to look ugly when people would put me in my coffin. I want to die pretty. So that was not the time to die because I was thin, unhealthy, generally ugly!

You see, if we keep on looking at things from a negative perspective, our brain will subconsciously choose to give up, then our body, our mind and our emotion will give up at the same time.  We have to be conscious always so that we will be in control of our choices.

Choice is something that we do everyday. Once you have chosen to do something, you have to keep on choosing to do it everyday. I was reminded of this when watching the movie "It Takes A Man and A Woman".

One more thing about choice, it controls our image. If we choose to be pretty then we will be pretty and everyone will see us as pretty. This is self-concept, yet another issue worthy of another blog.

Read more about the movie "It Takes A Man and A Woman" 

We are all capable of surviving poverty

Admit it, a lot of you would be very terrified to leave your comfort zones  and lead a simple or a humble life with your partner. I've met a lot of people who have separated because they couldn't sustain  or get the lifestyle that they need or want.

I've lived long enough to hear a lot of love struck couples saying "Oh, I am willing to live anywhere so long as I am with you." So easy to say, so hard to do; and in the end, when they see no food on the table any longer, they just turn their backs on each other.

I have once been accused of being incapable of surviving poverty and some people believed that it was the reason why my husband and I separated.  I was really disappointed with the people who said this about me primarily because they know nothing of what I am capable of. I know I've never been poor, but that doesn't mean I know nothing about it.

Yes, I would wholeheartedly admit that I am afraid of poverty. Why shouldn't I be, I grew up getting most of the things I need and even more. I always wake up to a hearty breakfast and would dine out in classy restaurants. That's how my parents brought me up.

Yet, even if I am afraid of being poor, let me just clarify (again) that this doesn't mean that I cannot survive poverty.  These are two very different concepts. Besides, we cannot really say what a person is capable of until we have observed what this person has really done.

If  given a choice, I would always choose wherever I will be happy. Since I am mostly happy when I am with my loved ones, then where they are is where I'll be; whether that be in a mansion or in a shack, it doesn't matter really. All I want though is for the cards to be laid out clearly and transparently and from there I will be able to figure out a way to survive.

In reality, every one is capable of living in poverty and surviving it because a human's natural instinct is to survive, not to mention, every one is capable of sacrificing for their loved ones. Thus, limiting resources would not stop any person to find alternatives, that is unless the person chose to give up. Now this my friends would be a totally different story worthy of yet another blog.

In the end we are just like our moms

I love the film LOL starring Miley Cyrus. I know I am too old for this kind of film, but I was very touched by its story. I could relate to Anne (Demi Moore) since like her I am a single mother with three kids the eldest of which is a girl rapidly turning into a lady.

I used to have the same predicaments as the ones Anne had in the movie. The first would be in terms of marriage. I remember the time when my husband and I separated and we would still rendezvous trying to hide our unexplainable relationship from prying eyes. In the movie, Anne and her husband did this too, yet unlike them, my husband and I actually went back together after a few months of playing around, but then again it really didn’t work out. So, after a few years we separated again…for good. Anne on the other hand was strong enough to recognize and acknowledge early warning signs that her relationship with her husband is far from being saved.

In the movie, Anne only wanted someone to share her life with other than her kids. Of course, even if our kids are our happiness, there are just some things in our head that needs to be shared with someone to keep us sane. Most of the time, these things we cannot share with our kids, family, nor our friends. So, like Anne in the movie, I went through the period of wanting someone to be beside me and just listen to me. I’ve outgrown it though. Most of my relationships were so traumatic I’d rather stay a single mom.

The most interesting part in the movie for me though is the relationship of Anne to her daughter and to her mother. Like Anne, I was not very open with mom. I know my mom tries hard to reach out to me but often times I would just shun her. I have always promised that I will not be like my mom to my kids—over-protective, demanding. My mom loves to interrogate and she can be a real nag most of the time. Yet, like Anne in the movie, I guess I never did really escape the shadow of my mom. I have turned into her. I wanted to be involved in my daughter’s life like my mom used to be like. I want to know what my daughter is thinking. What freaks me out though is that I often catch myself being over-protective and a nag. I try to control myself, but I guess now I understand my mom, I am just afraid of losing my precious daughter to a bad life.

And then, like me to my mom when I was a teenager, my daughter doesn’t want me to be too involved either. The clock’s turned…

Like Anne, I am very afraid that my daughter would go through the same crazy things I went through, and I am even more terrified that she would end up like me—with a broken marriage. But now, I am slowly recognizing the reality that the things I went through were things that I had to go through so that I would grow to be a stronger person, thus, I should let my daughter go through the things that she has to go through for her to also be strong. Anne realized this too in the movie, and so she has allowed her daughter to enjoy her teenage life.

In the end, just like Lola’s realization in the movie, we are no different to our moms and it is very likely that our daughters will turn out to be like us when they become moms themselves. It’s a cycle I guess.

My favorite lines from the film LOL:

“She’s like mom with Lola.”  ~ Lola’s little sister

Truth is, me and mom aren't so different. After all these, we're finally ready to let each other grow up and it's nice to know, no matter what happens...we'll always be there for each other.” ~ Lola

Read about LOL

There's no such thing as forgetting

I don't think that we ever stop loving people. I think that the kind of love or the level of love only changes but it'll always be there.

Even if we say that we hate a person, that still means there is love, for we will not know hate if we do not know love. In the same way that we will have no concept of good if we don't know bad, nor will we know light if we know not darkness.

It is love that fires up hate; too much love means greater hate, lesser love of course means lesser hate.

At the end of the day, when all the hatred wanes, the love does not really go away with it as most people would say. The love simply transforms into something different, something probably weaker, something not enough to power a strong relationship yet something no longer capable of generating too much hate, something near indifference, something unnoticeable yet existing, something that we can choose not to acknowledge even if we can feel it sting.

Sometimes when we see a person that we say we used to love, there is still this sting, that's because we still love the person, just not in the same way that we used to. Besides, we have to admit, we owe this person probably a lot, for if it were not for the pain and hate we felt during or after the relationship, we would not have learned. (okay last sentence is only applicable to those who actually learned something...for the others, ponder on it.)

And this is the result of me watching the movie "Playing for Keeps"  with Gerard Butler and Jessica Biel as lead characters. Some of you might think I'm too shallow to cry while watching this movie since this is not really heavy drama, but those of you who knows me understands that even funny movies make me cry. 

Read about the movie "Playing for Keeps"