The world does not revolve around us

Yesterday I watched the movie Life Happens. It dealt with a lot of issues: single parenthood, divorce, sex, friendship. This movie is worthy of multiple blogs because it made me reflect on so many things and the first thing being 'sensitivity.'

Sometimes we get so caught up with our problems that we think everything is about us and in the process we ignore the fact that even the people around us have problems too. I've seen a lot of relationships ruined because of this, some were even my own.

I remember telling someone who I felt was demanding so much of my time that the world does not revolve around him. I was hoping that in saying so he would understand that I too had problems of my own that I need to focus on. Well, instead of understanding, he got really mad at me and left. We never talked again.

Of course I was so infuriated but later I realized that if I think he was being insensitive about my situation maybe I was insensitive too about his. I had problems, he had problems, we both had. The problems may not be in the same level of seriousness but are problems just the same. I was selfish to want to be understood when I didn’t even try to understand his situation. It was not the only time that I didn't exercise empathy properly.

Honestly, sometimes we think we want people to understand us, but deep inside what we want is for them to take our side. Understanding us and taking our side are two different things. People can understand us without necessarily taking our side. In the past I would have considered this to be unfair; to know that a person understood me but thinks that I am not worthy to be sided with.  But now, I guess it's a more truthful act. Besides everyone is capable of thinking for themselves, even our friends and family so why force them.

Then there are those who would take our sides without understanding the situation. I used to be so happy about this, then I grew up and realized it's very childish. I also noticed that those who took my side later on blamed me for involving them in some of my issues and for causing them to be in conflict with certain people. Again, very childish.

When I was much younger, I would have called those who took my side as real friends. But as I grew older I slowly recognized real friendship.  A true friend would be someone who would slap us straight in the face with the reality and not sugarcoat it. A true friend will not take our side just easily, instead that friend is going to help us reflect by most likely negating our beliefs until we see things clearly. They would often set aside their problems just to be with us. Unfortunately, some of us would be too selfish and ungrateful to even notice what these true friend just did for us. Shame on us!

I like the idea of stepping into other people's shoes and looking at things from their perspective before giving any reaction. I used to be sloppy at reacting on issues. I would just say out loud what I had in mind without any consultations or reflections. My best friend, though much younger than I am, saw things differently. She does not get angry at people who judge her, instead she would  try to justify their acts by saying "well, they are probably going through something that's why they say such things." At first I thought she knows nothing about life that's why she could say such justifications, but later I realized I was the dumb one. What she was doing actually addresses my most dreaded fear--conflict.

Since I am afraid of being in conflict, what I do now is to get out of my tightly wrapped mind and explore issues from the minds of other people, taking into consideration factors that cause them to see things in a certain way. It was hard to let go of my issues and be sensitive, but is was worth it. I have eradicated the negative vibes that used to always wander around.

The good thing about having an open mind is that we no longer focus on being understood, instead we aim to understand--not natural but very selfless, very sensitive.

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Life Happens is about best friend, Kim and Deena, whose lives would change when Kim gets pregnant. Both would fight hard to keep their relationships and lives as normal as possible. Read more about Life Happens from IMDB 

Source: IMDB.com

We do accept the love we deserve

When I was younger I used to wonder why some people pick the wrong person to be their partner. I am most especially concerned with the many intelligent and successful women that I know who always fall for the 'wrong guy.' Well, this was before I had my fair share of unhealthy relationships.

After my failed relationships, I stopped wondering about wrong decisions that most people do when it comes to choosing partners. I guess I felt that I myself made wrong choices so why fuss about it. Besides, I realized that we only start to perceive that a relationship is wrong once we get hurt, but while we're in it, we always think that it's the best thing that has happened to us. So, I realized I should stop caring about this issue.

But then I saw the movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" where a very interesting line was thrown by one of the characters. "We accept the love we think we deserve."

…do we really?

After countless nights (I'm serious, I couldn't count it) of being in deep thoughts about this, it dawned on me. Yes, we actually do. Why else did the phrase "too good to be true" came into existence if not for the doubting that we have towards the love that we deserve.

We perceive people who are actually good to us as 'too good to be true'  and we often question why they are so good. We become too overwhelmed that in the process the relationship becomes bad because the other party freaks out from too much insecurities we exude. We then end up singing 'The One That Got Away!"

It's just weird that we drive good people away from us and we stick with people who treat us badly. Worse we justify the bad treatment as something we provoked thus we deserve.  It's like saying 'I am bad, so I deserve to be punished.'

I remember a friend of mine whose husband is in constant illicit affairs. My friend would always say "Oh, it's my fault, I'm always busy and I have no time for him."

What's with that? Nothing ever justifies infidelity. I am not judging people who goes into illicit relationships. Trust me, I've had my fair share of this too. I wasn't the one doing the 'two-timing'  but I was the third party (bad just the same). It's not a good story but it happened. This is probably why I am brave in saying that nothing justifies it. I was wrong when I did it and I am not putting the blame on anyone.  I did learn one big lesson from it: If you're not happy in  a relationship anymore and you feel like there's no way to save it, get out of the relationship first before entering another one. This saves everyone from greater pain.

Anyway, the point is, if we think that we are not worthy of being loved, then we could not maximize our potential to be loved that is because we would only expose ourselves to people we THINK will get us. We go to places where we BELIEVE we fit and thereby meet people we SUPPOSE we deserve to be relating with.

Some of us would fall for the first guy who says we are pretty and who would give us gifts because we think we deserve being told we are pretty and being given gifts. Some of us would fall for the guy who would undermine our personality because we believe our personality is too strong that we feel other guys are intimidated by us. Some of us would fall for the caring guy who would not let us lift a finger because we believe this is what we deserve.

This is a matter of self-concept --what you think of yourself is how other people will see you; and law of attraction--like attracts like.

Simply, we are in control of the relationships that we make. It is just a matter of how we see ourselves in that relationship. No one really chooses the 'wrong partner' it's just what people who are looking at a relationship from the outside thinks. But the danger here is most of us listen to what other people thinks and this often shakes a relationship.

Read more about "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" 

Giving up is a choice

In my last blog I said that the issue of choosing to give up is worthy of another blog. So here it is...let's talk about choice.

Choice, everything in life is a choice. Happiness, love, forgiveness, living, all of these are choices that we make everyday, whether consciously or subconsciously.

So, if we can choose to live, why would people choose to die?

I will not claim to be an expert on this matter, but I will instead share to you a choice that I had to make when I was met with a very big issue--death.

In 2010 I fell sick. Doctors never found out my illness and in the end they just concluded that it was chronic fatigue.

I was so sick that I couldn't stand up. I was bed-ridden for 10 months. My friends, my family, everyone thought I was going to die. I never thought it...I knew it.

I know I was going to die, but I was also fully aware that I still had a choice. I could still live if I choose to because I know that more than anything, it is our brain that is in control of our whole body. What we think will trigger the information that our brain cells would send to our whole body. It's a very simple science.

It was clear to me back then, but I still couldn't make a choice. Why am I not making the choice? Why am I allowing my body to fade? I didn't know why, at least until a few months after I got well.

Honestly, I was manic depressive that time. It was like all the heartaches and frustrations that I have gone through over the years finally took its toll and it manifested physically. I was in great physical pain and at the same time I was having an unbearable emotional pain.  I was sad, I felt like the whole world has turned its back on me. But in reality, the world didn't turn its back on me, instead I turned my back to the world. I didn't die because I have recognized this fact early on so somehow my brain has unconsciously chose to live. I realized it early, but I didn't act on it positively.

I chose to be treated like a baby because I missed the time when I was being cuddled and hushed whenever I am sad. That time when I was sick was actually an opportunity for me to feel love again and my family didn't fail me. I chose not to get up because I was enjoying the attention, and since I was enjoying the attention given to me while I was in pain, my body responded by giving me even more pain and putting me into an even more pitiful situation--a near death situation. I was nearly dying so people around me was giving me more attention; or at least that was what I thought back then. Later on, after I chose to get up, I realized that their attention was with me all along, even before I got sick, I was just too busy to pay attention.

I lasted 10 months in this condition when most people in the same condition only lasts 2 months and dies afterwards. That's because they never gave the people around them a chance or they did not give themselves a chance. They fail to recognize that in this life, to get what you want, you have to take chances. They further fail to recognize that in taking chances, there is always the risk of getting hurt. They chose not to hurt anymore, I on the other hand, chose to be in pain to get more pity and attention.

But what changed my mind? Why did I finally choose to get up and walk?

I had an epiphany after watching a rerun of a documentary by Kara David, a Filipino reporter, about malnourished kids. There was a 19-year old girl that she featured. I was filled with pity for the girl, her body was skeleton-like and she couldn't get up anymore on her own. In all pride I told my nanny (yes I had a nanny) "At least I don't look like that!" and she just looked at me disturbingly. I could see the pity in her eyes and right then I knew I had to get up and walk. I don't want to look ugly when people would put me in my coffin. I want to die pretty. So that was not the time to die because I was thin, unhealthy, generally ugly!

You see, if we keep on looking at things from a negative perspective, our brain will subconsciously choose to give up, then our body, our mind and our emotion will give up at the same time.  We have to be conscious always so that we will be in control of our choices.

Choice is something that we do everyday. Once you have chosen to do something, you have to keep on choosing to do it everyday. I was reminded of this when watching the movie "It Takes A Man and A Woman".

One more thing about choice, it controls our image. If we choose to be pretty then we will be pretty and everyone will see us as pretty. This is self-concept, yet another issue worthy of another blog.

Read more about the movie "It Takes A Man and A Woman" 

We are all capable of surviving poverty

Admit it, a lot of you would be very terrified to leave your comfort zones  and lead a simple or a humble life with your partner. I've met a lot of people who have separated because they couldn't sustain  or get the lifestyle that they need or want.

I've lived long enough to hear a lot of love struck couples saying "Oh, I am willing to live anywhere so long as I am with you." So easy to say, so hard to do; and in the end, when they see no food on the table any longer, they just turn their backs on each other.

I have once been accused of being incapable of surviving poverty and some people believed that it was the reason why my husband and I separated.  I was really disappointed with the people who said this about me primarily because they know nothing of what I am capable of. I know I've never been poor, but that doesn't mean I know nothing about it.

Yes, I would wholeheartedly admit that I am afraid of poverty. Why shouldn't I be, I grew up getting most of the things I need and even more. I always wake up to a hearty breakfast and would dine out in classy restaurants. That's how my parents brought me up.

Yet, even if I am afraid of being poor, let me just clarify (again) that this doesn't mean that I cannot survive poverty.  These are two very different concepts. Besides, we cannot really say what a person is capable of until we have observed what this person has really done.

If  given a choice, I would always choose wherever I will be happy. Since I am mostly happy when I am with my loved ones, then where they are is where I'll be; whether that be in a mansion or in a shack, it doesn't matter really. All I want though is for the cards to be laid out clearly and transparently and from there I will be able to figure out a way to survive.

In reality, every one is capable of living in poverty and surviving it because a human's natural instinct is to survive, not to mention, every one is capable of sacrificing for their loved ones. Thus, limiting resources would not stop any person to find alternatives, that is unless the person chose to give up. Now this my friends would be a totally different story worthy of yet another blog.

In the end we are just like our moms

I love the film LOL starring Miley Cyrus. I know I am too old for this kind of film, but I was very touched by its story. I could relate to Anne (Demi Moore) since like her I am a single mother with three kids the eldest of which is a girl rapidly turning into a lady.

I used to have the same predicaments as the ones Anne had in the movie. The first would be in terms of marriage. I remember the time when my husband and I separated and we would still rendezvous trying to hide our unexplainable relationship from prying eyes. In the movie, Anne and her husband did this too, yet unlike them, my husband and I actually went back together after a few months of playing around, but then again it really didn’t work out. So, after a few years we separated again…for good. Anne on the other hand was strong enough to recognize and acknowledge early warning signs that her relationship with her husband is far from being saved.

In the movie, Anne only wanted someone to share her life with other than her kids. Of course, even if our kids are our happiness, there are just some things in our head that needs to be shared with someone to keep us sane. Most of the time, these things we cannot share with our kids, family, nor our friends. So, like Anne in the movie, I went through the period of wanting someone to be beside me and just listen to me. I’ve outgrown it though. Most of my relationships were so traumatic I’d rather stay a single mom.

The most interesting part in the movie for me though is the relationship of Anne to her daughter and to her mother. Like Anne, I was not very open with mom. I know my mom tries hard to reach out to me but often times I would just shun her. I have always promised that I will not be like my mom to my kids—over-protective, demanding. My mom loves to interrogate and she can be a real nag most of the time. Yet, like Anne in the movie, I guess I never did really escape the shadow of my mom. I have turned into her. I wanted to be involved in my daughter’s life like my mom used to be like. I want to know what my daughter is thinking. What freaks me out though is that I often catch myself being over-protective and a nag. I try to control myself, but I guess now I understand my mom, I am just afraid of losing my precious daughter to a bad life.

And then, like me to my mom when I was a teenager, my daughter doesn’t want me to be too involved either. The clock’s turned…

Like Anne, I am very afraid that my daughter would go through the same crazy things I went through, and I am even more terrified that she would end up like me—with a broken marriage. But now, I am slowly recognizing the reality that the things I went through were things that I had to go through so that I would grow to be a stronger person, thus, I should let my daughter go through the things that she has to go through for her to also be strong. Anne realized this too in the movie, and so she has allowed her daughter to enjoy her teenage life.

In the end, just like Lola’s realization in the movie, we are no different to our moms and it is very likely that our daughters will turn out to be like us when they become moms themselves. It’s a cycle I guess.

My favorite lines from the film LOL:

“She’s like mom with Lola.”  ~ Lola’s little sister

Truth is, me and mom aren't so different. After all these, we're finally ready to let each other grow up and it's nice to know, no matter what happens...we'll always be there for each other.” ~ Lola

Read about LOL

There's no such thing as forgetting

I don't think that we ever stop loving people. I think that the kind of love or the level of love only changes but it'll always be there.

Even if we say that we hate a person, that still means there is love, for we will not know hate if we do not know love. In the same way that we will have no concept of good if we don't know bad, nor will we know light if we know not darkness.

It is love that fires up hate; too much love means greater hate, lesser love of course means lesser hate.

At the end of the day, when all the hatred wanes, the love does not really go away with it as most people would say. The love simply transforms into something different, something probably weaker, something not enough to power a strong relationship yet something no longer capable of generating too much hate, something near indifference, something unnoticeable yet existing, something that we can choose not to acknowledge even if we can feel it sting.

Sometimes when we see a person that we say we used to love, there is still this sting, that's because we still love the person, just not in the same way that we used to. Besides, we have to admit, we owe this person probably a lot, for if it were not for the pain and hate we felt during or after the relationship, we would not have learned. (okay last sentence is only applicable to those who actually learned something...for the others, ponder on it.)

And this is the result of me watching the movie "Playing for Keeps"  with Gerard Butler and Jessica Biel as lead characters. Some of you might think I'm too shallow to cry while watching this movie since this is not really heavy drama, but those of you who knows me understands that even funny movies make me cry. 

Read about the movie "Playing for Keeps"
 

May Bibliya si Ino

Absent si doc kaya namasyal na lang kami nila mami at ino. Nagpunta kami sa St. Paul store sa Makati, naghahanap kasi si mami ng image ni Mother Theresa. 

On the way sa St. Paul, nangungulit si Ino ng hash brown, gusto daw nya kumain ng hashbrown sa McDo. Ayaw ni mami, kasi hindi naman kumakain sa McDo tong nanay ko, sabi nga ng tatay ko "sophisticated masyado ang panlasa ng mami mo, ayaw sa fast food"

Pagdating namin sa St. Paul natuwa si Ino sa dami ng libro. Inikutan nya ang isang display ng sari-saring bible.

"Ma, pwede ba akong bumili ng pambatang bible?" tanong niya.

"Sige hanap ka" sabi ko naman.

Bigla nyang iniabot sa akin ang isang hardbound na libro. Aba! eh may bitbit na pala!

"O magkano yan?" tanong ko sa kanya.

Itinuro nya yung barcode, pero walang presyo na nakalagay, kaya sabi ko itanong nya sa counter. Mukhang tinamaan ng hiya. Bumalik sya sa display at naghanap ng bible na may presyo. Bigla syang nagkamot at bumalik sa akin.

"Ma tanong natin" sabi nya sa akin

"O bakit, ayaw mo ba yung iba?" tanong ko naman

"Mahal eh" sabi nya

Aba! at may konsepto ng mahal! Tinignan ko ang presyo ng ibang bible. Tama nga naman sya, ang pinakamababa ay P500.00

So, lumapit ako sa counter at itinanong ko ang presyo ng hawak ni Ino ni bible. Kinakabahan ako na baka mahal ulit. Pero natuwa ako nang sabihin ng sales lady na P300.00 lang ito.

Pero mas natuwa ako sa susunod na eksena

"Ma magkano daw?" tanong ni Ino

"300 anak" sabi ko

"Mahal ba yun?" tanong nya ulit

"medyo" sagot ka naman ulit.

"pwede bang wag na lang hashbrown, ito na lang?" tanong ulit nya na medyo malungkot na ang mukha.

Natuwa naman ako. Kung sa normal na kagaguhan ko malamang ay mas pinili ko ang hashbrown kasi mas mura, pero sa sobrang tuwa ko dahil sa interes ng anak ko sa bible, pinili ko na bible. tsaka ko sya ibinili ng nuggets kasi walang hashbrown sa McDo eh.

Ayan, katabi nya matulog ang bible pagkatapos nyang magbasa ng kung ilang pahina!